Saturday, February 2, 2013

Simply Random

I am sitting now at the coffee house and looking at people going here and there when suddenly memory of an embarrassing past passes through my mind. And suddenly those chills and spooky feeling, this embarrassment that seems like sourced from the sudden jolt of electricity, a spontaneous pump of big amount of blood from my heart through the vessels of my body, this experience of should I say like a tickle (not to my physical body but) to my psyche. If the moment is not right, when I remembered the very same event, it seems usual to me, nothing special. But there is this moment that it just like so special. I don’t know if you ever felt that, but this is weird and I can’t found a name for that, but this sudden embarrassment, sometimes it happened to me. Maybe it is a mechanism in our psyche that tries to punish us again and again, I don’t know why. It is probably the result of a defect in our brain, or just a part of brain mechanism.

I experienced it many times before, but what happen this morning worth a note. When I felt it this morning, I then relax and say to myself; “there is no way to undo it, it happened and there is nothing I can do. So why bothered by that.” Then suddenly it goes away. I can’t feel it anymore. It is just gone. Then I try to retrieve the same memory that caused this jolt. But nothing happened, I felt just fine. Then I realize that sometimes the past is just the past. One thing certain about the past is it will never coming back. Torturing yourself with the past is just like staring at the waves hoping it will stop coming. It can’t. So why bothered by that?

Sometimes the past robed too much of my present. It chained me, and I was disturbed by it so much, just like I was keep looking back get suspicious that I was being followed by an invisible stalker. Well, isn’t it a symptom of a mental disease? So why should we keep terrorizing ourselves with this invisible stalker? Just go on with your life. If you make a mistake, ask forgiveness and try to repair the damage and improve yourself so you will not commit the same mistake. Then, go along with your life. Enjoy what is now. Ups, my coffee is getting colder…

P.S. I remember my friend Jerome, whenever is say “sh*t happened”, he will reply “but only a stupid will stop and keeps on smelling it”.